I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
