I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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