You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
