where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
