I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
