am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
