My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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