btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
