What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
