When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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