he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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