i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I intend to get homeless drunk
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
