So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I want a musical about memes.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
