I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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