i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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