Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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