No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
