I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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