i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
