I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
I wanna passion pit in your ass
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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