So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
why do cheetos always look like penises
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
