You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
