I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
