apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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