Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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