I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
