he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
