going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I just want to make out with him forever
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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