I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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