you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it's like iHOP with fire
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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