Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
