Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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