Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
