names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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