Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
