You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
