fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
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