Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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