we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
