Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
