I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
