Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
My vagina is officially offended.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
