you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
