Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
