I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
