when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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