My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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