Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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