I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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