So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
