So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
