This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
