We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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